F You Pain – I’ve Got A Migraine

Soft F U

“Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat…
I’ve got a migraine.”

She is familiar with pain. She is a warrior every day. She tried to be gentle with herself. Sometimes she cannot feel her face. Sometimes even a whisper of wind causes her hair to be daggers of pain. Today the nausea is strong in this one. She is me.

“And my pain will range from up, down and sideways…”

It leaves me feeling green. I want to detach my head, and imagine ways of doing this. The light hurts. The sound hurts, yet 21 Pilots song Migraine plays endlessly. Hearing my own blood in my veins hurts. Often I vomit. Sometimes…

“Sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head…”

But I am not suicidal. I just imagine what a moment without the pain would feel like – and I can’t. It has been there relentless for so long. Every day. Violating me since August 2015. So, when I imagine its absence there is a death.

I’ve got a migraine.

It has been so long since I have lived without the crushing pain I don’t know what life feels like without that constrictive embrace. I am trying to feel my way to it, that love, that life.

Today, it is a little bit better. Today is a good day. My migraine is only registering a solid eight (mauled by a bear, with gaping wounds, pulling myself on raw fingers through a dark forest). This is a semi-functional day. I was able to get out of bed.

I am not the only one I know who feels like this. There are so many. So, so many.

I’ve got a migraine.

For you, for me…today…say a soft fuck you to the pain. Let it out, let it out, let the numbness wash away and let the color, the life, the vibrance of being you today come to the surface.

Death is never better, and I am doing my best to contemplate it less.

I’ve got a migraine.

Today I choose life. Fuck you – Pain.

I’ve got a migraine.

If you can tolerate sound and movement today, check out what Emily Starks has directed in this video. The choreography by Leah Grosjean is kinda nice but I am really digging the special effects and make up art from Alyssa Goldpenny and Maddie Stroud.

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